Next - 2007

"Did you hear about the zen monk who ordered a hot dog? He said he had one with everything"

* (out of 4 stars)

Nicolas Cage flubbed the punch-line to the above lame joke, and they left it in!  Shouldn't it be "Make me one with everything?" This pretty much sums up the amount of phoning it in that went into the making of this movie.

Cage plays Cris Johnson, a Vegas magician who can see up to 2 minutes into the future.  Callie Ferris of the FBI (Julianne Moore in one of the low points of her career) is trying to track him down because she wants to use his abilities to stop a terrorist attack.  The terrorists are also trying to kill him so that he can't help the FBI.  It is never explained how either of them are even aware of his existence or even who these terrorists are.

Meanwhile, Johnson is just trying to get by and live a normal life.  He's also trying to win the heart of Liz (Jessica Biel-- yes, seriously) who holds some special significance in his visions of the future which is also never fully explained.  There are many aspects of this film that are left unexplained, and I have a feeling that it wasn't intentional.

So basically, a bunch of stupid shit happens and then... Spoiler Alert - highlight text to read: the whole second half of the movie turns out to just be Johnson's vision and we wind up back at a not particularly climactic scene from the middle of the movie.  The End. 

Ok, let me try to talk about the good things about the movie...  for one, they wisely cropped Cage's hair from the poster / DVD box.  Smart move.  That might be it.

Also, I've noticed a pattern that seems to exist in almost every Nick Cage action movie. (I don't see how this could really be considered much of an action movie, but that's how they're marketing it.)  Cage plays a guy who's on the run from the law.  In some movies, he's actually a petty criminal, but in most it's mistaken identity.  There's a main cop who's trying to track him down and also another, much more dangerous criminal/gang who eventually becomes the main antagonist.  In the end, Cage stops them and becomes friends (or at least parts ways amicably) with the cop.  Movies off the top of my head that fit this pattern: Next, Gone in 60 Seconds, National Treasure, National Treasure 2, Face/Off, Con Air.

Anyway, getting back on track, if I had to sum up this film in one word it would be "sad."  It adequately describes Cage's hair, Moore's slumming it in this one-dimensional role, and especially Peter Falk's breif appearance. 

craziness:

(0 stars)

Unfortunately, there isn't even the trademarked insanity that Cage often employs as a way to distract us from otherwise horrible movies.  There's plenty of creepiness, but that doesn't really do it for me.

hair implausibility:

* * * *

This is not at all believable as hair.  It is distracting the entire time it's on screen.  The still images don't even do it justice.  It needs to be seen in motion (or lack-thereof) to be fully appreciated. It takes a lot of people and a lot of time to make a major motion-picture, and the idea that no one would have questioned this stylistic choice at some point really boggles my mind.  There are Nick Cage movies where he really tries to do something weird with his hair, but what makes this one so sad is how it's an attempt at "normal hair."

love interest implausibility:
* * * *
Really?  He's old enough to be her dad and he's creepy as fuck in this movie.  His character is not supposed to be rich and/or famous either.

Vampire's Kiss - 1988

"I'm a vampire! I'm a vampire!"
* * * * (out of 4 stars)

I figured I would start things off right, with what I consider to be one of Cage's finest (most ridiculous) performances.  I couldn't really choose the best quote from this one, so I just went with the most obvious.  Just about every line is classic... from his astounding rendition of the alphabet to his weird crying sounds.

Cage plays Peter Loew, a publishing executive and huge asshole who, after a one-night-stand with a vampire (Jennifer Beals), thinks he's turning into one.  This basically just makes him a bigger asshole and also bat-shit crazy.  It makes for some fine scenes between an insane Loew and his secretary, Alva (Maria Conchita Alonso), which basically just consist of him flipping-out in a way never before captured on film.  I really feel that these are the type of roles that Nicolas Cage excels at.  Any other actor would be afraid to take it as far as he does here, but I have a feeling that in order to successfully direct Nicolas Cage in a "crazy" roll, you probably have to constantly tell him to do less. 

Cage speaks in a strange accent for the entire film with no explanation.  There has been much debate as to whether or not he was attempting a British accent, but I do not believe he was.  There is a scene in one of the National Treasure movies where he tries to use a British accent, and while it's terrible, it is at least obvious what he is attempting to do.  Granted, there are about 20 years between the two films, but I think he probably spent most of that time doing coke and living beyond his means (which is very impressive for someone with an 8-figure salary) and not very much of it improving his "acting."

Anyway, this movie is fucking great.  It's maybe the only film I've ever watched that is both so-bad-it's-good and actually legitimately good at the same time.  I don't even know how that's possible.

craziness:

* * * *

His performance is not quite as crazy as what he does in Deadfall, but the fact that he has so much more screen time and that the film centers around his insanity compels me to give it the highest rating.  Just to give you some insight, the above photo is from the first part of the film before he was supposed to be insane.

hair implausibility:
(0 stars)
His hair-style is kind of goofy with the highlights and all, but is entirely plausible as being an actual hair-style.

love interest implausibility:
*
He was still young here, and both Jennifer Beals and Kasi Lemmons are actually slightly older than Cage (something that would NEVER happen in the later part of his career).  I gave it the one star instead of zero because it does seem to imply that Cage could walk into any bar in New York and find a woman who wanted to have sex with him within seconds.

About this blog

This blog will chronicle my attempt to watch every movie that Nicolas Cage has ever acted in.  I plan to write a short review of each movie and to rate it on several important criteria including insanity, hair-style plausibility, and likelihood of love interest.  I'll start each review with what I consider to be the best line of Cage dialog from the film.  I will not be watching them chronological order, but will jump around to keep things somewhat varied.